BIG GIRL DON'T CRY

I'M A BIG, BIG GIRL

IN THIS BIG, BIG WORLD

IT'S NOT A BIG, BIG THING

IF YOU LEAVE ME

BUT I DO, DO THINK 

THAT I DO, DO WILL

MISS YOU MUCH

MISSING YOU THAT MUCH.....

I Miss You Truly

You are there...but you are not...
You listen....but you are not..
You know I am there... but you ignore...

You put all the blame on me... where you should have thought..
Before you throw your tantrums...
Find out more...
Throw your tantrums...you would..
Throw them at places where
No one hurts..

You know... I love you in many other ways..
I still do....

But at times...
I feel sick...
I feel tired....
I don't even know where this will go...

If this is the last thing I would have wrote..
Just remember...
Allah has chosen you for me..

For Allah I will move on...
If Allah takes you away from me...
I shall let go...

InshaAllah...the better awaits before the best comes..

Ujian Allah Hanya Untuk Mereka Yang Mampu Menghadapinya

My heart will go on.....

My Ups and Downs

Kenapa semua datang serentak? Allah menduga hamba-Nya dengan dugaan yang masih boleh dia lalui.. maka itu, aku harus tabah

There are too many things held up these days for me and I survived the ups and downs all alone... no, the reason is not because I do not have anybody to face them with.. but I guess I have to face it on my own as I may brag too much of emotional thoughts

The feelings has been sailed in my mind for the past 2 months - almost certain.

When I thought (literally speaking) that a wife of my brother had been nasty towards my brother which made him broke his promise he made way earlier to me and my kids. That was not the first time anyway. The first time he was sorry, the second time I said it is enough. If she despises me, she would not be able to get my respect and honours. Period.

But according to most of my family members (they are other brothers, mom, dad sister and other sister-in-law), the bad person is always ME. Reason being, simply because I shouted over my wall my true feelings. To them, what I shouted about was something that is shouldn't be publicly said. And for that, I am still being blamed for all the chaos - let it be it. I just don't care. Even sms-es blasted to me for being the reason if the family is broken down.

Frankly, I just don't care.

For some reason, I acted the way I acted simply because I don't want people to expect good things from me. I don't potray myself as a goody good Mary, where deep in my heart, I despise people. I just don't want people to have a good surface on me, but when the surface shattered the true color come out in total opposite. In short, I am bad. Accept me the way I am.

The timing for this to happen is not just right. Frankly.

My broken heart is carried away for months where this is the time my another brother is scheduled to get married to the woman he loved the most. I have to admit that I am guilty to the most for not joining his happiest day of his life. But, I managed to avail myself and my kids to one of the days. The only thing that bothers people is I did not join his big day at my parents' place.

I could sense the back-talk people do behind me. As I said, I just don't care. It's not that I just don't care about my newly-wed brother. I do care. I do remember how was he during my time of my big days more than a decade ago. He took longer leave than I was. He was one of the back-bones of the ceremony. When his turn to have his big day, it is so sad that I could not join.

There are 2 reasons as why I chose not to join.

One is, I have no one to drive me and my kids for the 350++km journey back home. As other half is scheduled for duty over the weekend. I can't drive alone with 4 kids and bulging tummy of 27-week pregnancy. I do not want to risk anything for now.

Second reason is definitely my other brother's wife attitude. I just couldn't bear to see her arrogant face and the rest of family are accepting it as if all the faults is on me. If you get what I mean. I know I am bad. And I am very transparent. If I despise the thing, I would show it in my face and would tell it right to the face. I just want to avoid the ugly situation. Hence, I used up my first reason to cover the actual second reason for not joining the ceremony.

Sorry, the newly-wed. Terribly. This is from deep of my heart. Sincerely.

The fact that, my other half is so concerned on how I feel these days. He asked my did I call home. Did I ask about the ceremony. I ignored his questions. I removed all the tags for the photos I do not want to see. The truth, I want to see every photo my brother taken for his big day. I just do not want to have a peep into what others are talking about the photo taken. Get what I mean?

I can't explain. Seriously.

I am not there does not mean I am forgetting them. My mom, my dad, my brothers, my sister are all in my mind. I just can't accept the whole situation.

To my beloved brother, Acil and his woman of his life, Ain, your dear sister is praying for your happiness. May Allah bless your marriage and shall last till death do you apart. Aamiin....

A Little Darling Named Alia

memanja tkesyukuran

kepada Allah swt

kerana mengurniakan anak yang menyejukkan hati mama

Alia: Mama, kakak dah gosok baju utk pergi sekolah esok

baju angah pon dah gosok

kakak sediakan sekali baju mam anak pergi keja esok

Mama: gasped (senyum dalam hati) ye ke... mekasih.... (pat on her ubun2)

kakak tahu Mama tak berapa nak larat kan

hence, terima kasih Allah

dengan rezeki Mu ini

yes, she is only reaching 10

but helpful

moga terpelihara akhlak anak2 Mama dunia akhirat...

To Take or Not To Take a.... Maid that is

since I am confirmed positive

for conceiving

I have been thinking

whether to have a maid around or not

after much thought

I guess I should have hired one

once I gave birth to my 5th

I have discussed with other half

he is as usual

reluctant

for no privacy reason

quite true

but to think of the abundance

of workload

I have to go through each single day

I really think it is necessary

I just have to wait for the right time to re-discuss with him

until recently

a video, news broke

in regards of how ruthless and heartless

a maid could have been

(note: AMAH LAMBUNG video)

my heart and mind stopped

for any further discussion

all I just can say is

I am blessed to have a very understanding daughter

her words whilst watching the amah lambung news:

"mama, tak payah amik bibik la"

told her if no maid around

she has to help me

she replied at an instant:

"takper kakak akan tolong mama"

Thank you Allah for sending me an angel...

Moga Nuralia Izzurah terpelihara perlakuannya

di dunia dan akhirat...

itu yang Mama doa setiap hari... aameen...

Cabaran dan Dugaan

ye aku bukan gagah sangat

tapi aku gigih untuk mencuba

gigih untuk memudahcara

tapi malan gmemang tidak berbau

dalam keadaan aku lemah

dalam keadaan aku mabuk2 pagi ni

aku telah mengalami kemalangan jalan raya

betul

bukan main2

keta rosak remuk bahagian belakang

aku dan kakak

yang hendak ke sekolah

untuk acara merentas desa

panik dan kaget

kakak menjerit menangis

aku perlu lebih gigih

aku tabah

tekan brek sebab kereta 

meluncur laju turun bukit lepas kena langgar

tarik hand brek

aku terus lemah

ramai yang tolong

(tapi aku larikan dulu beg coach aku..precious tu hadiah tuk diri sendiri)

aku tak tau sapa langgar aku

sebab aku toleh belakang

tader apa kat belakang

bila aku terbaring kat tepi jalan

baru aku perasan

satu 4-wheeler ni

dah tergolek dog masuk longkang

gila laju

tapi aku yang seksa

incik Izzuan risau teramat..

of course!